I feel so scattered….

I haven’t written in a few days…..mostly because I don’t understand how I have been feeling, so I couldn’t put it into words.  I have felt very scattered and I seem to walk in circles, and I certainly have trouble making a decision about anything, including minor things like….should I wear loafers or sneakers, high socks or ankle socks?

Last night was the first night that I could not sleep.  Granted, I have been staying up very late, into the wee hours of the morning, but I would sleep soundly  for 3 or 4 hours, until 6 or 6:30a.m.  I assumed that sooner or later the 3, 4 or 5 hours sleep would catch up with me and I’d sleep longer and start getting back to my regular schedule.  Not happening yet, I guess.

Last night I could not fall asleep.  I was very tired, and crawled into bed around 11p.m. (lately, that’s quite early).  I watched the news, my usual PBS cooking shows, (Jaques Pepin and American Test Kitchen), until 12:30a.m. and then watched another cooking show and another, and then watched the Jackie Gleason show.   I thought the comedy would help my mood, but I found I was jealous…..they had each other.  I chastised myself for being so down, and I shut the t.v. off at 2a.m., (my eyes were hurting).  I thought I would fall asleep.  I did not.  I turned the t.v. back on around 2:45a.m., not wanting to be alone, in the dark, with my racing mind.  I watched nothing; mostly changed the channels, as only paid commercials had taken over the airways, on my antenna bedroom t.v.  I thought of Peter, always falling asleep with the remote in his hand, changing the channels over and over and over as he slept, “watching” sports.  I tried again, and shut the t.v. off at 3a.m..  I fell asleep but woke up at 4:22a.m.  I rolled over, reached under my pillow for my rosary beads, but started to talk to Peter instead.  I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up again and it was 5:22a.m.  I was exhausted, so I shut my eyes and tried to fall asleep.  It worked, but I woke up again at 6:22a.m., and fell asleep and woke up at 7:22a.m.  It finally dawned on me that I kept waking up at 22 past the hour.  This time I stayed awake and just thought about everything over the past year.  The tears flowed, my heart ached, and I finally realized how I had/have been feeling, I have been so very lonesome…..my life has drastically changed and I miss it….I miss my life with Peter.  He was my rock, just like his name means.  No more Sunday afternoon walks in the strange and different places Peter would find.   No more Saturday’s after church going to dinner at SeaWitch in Peabody.  No more arguing about the bed being raised up too high, or his lack of cooking skills or his tracking in clumps of dirt right after I cleaned the floor, or his dirty dishes dropped into the sink instead of into the dishwasher, no more teasing and calling me all those strange – yet lovable- names, no more of his crazy antics that always made me laugh, or being embarrassed with him wearing his old stretched-out, stained sweat pants that I called his nursing home pants…..I miss all that…..I miss Peter so very much….it hurts, it really hurts.

When he first received the scary diagnosis, I truly was not scared.  I KNEW he would beat it.  I just knew it.  I felt that God was telling me he would be okay and be rid of or knock down the cancer and be able to deal with it……and it did go that way….the pre-scan on January 16, 2013, showed it was working, cancer was dying and in several places it was gone…..and it was working…….until the scan on March 14, 2012, and his fall on the morning of March 15th.  That day in the emergency room, hearing about his injuries and about the cancer being found in his neck and spine and other places – it was devastating.  I knew…..I knew I didn’t have him for long.  Just as I was so certain about him beating the cancer earlier, I knew right then and there that I didn’t have much longer with him……but I never thought it would have been so quick.  I didn’t want to leave his side, I wanted to spend every minute with him, do everything and anything I could for him – but life and the office took me away for an hour or so here or there.  Of course, I only left if someone could “visit” with Peter while I was out – all those precious minutes away from him…….I know I had to do those things–office work, bill paying, food shopping.  People would tell me to go to lunch with a friend, take care of yourself too – I couldn’t do that, it was time away from Pete.  My time with Pete was more precious than anything else. I wish I hadn’t had to leave at all, but that’s not my biggest regret.  My biggest regret is that I did not record his voice….I would love to hear him now, “Taffey, have you seen my reading glasses?” …(he was always misplacing them.  We must have bought 4 pairs of reading glasses, and left 2 at work and 2 at home, and yet, he still could not find one pair when he needed them.)…..or “Come on, Miss Mutt.  It’s my turn to cook tonight.  Let’s go to Panera!”…..and those raised eyebrows and eyes opening wide…..and then that grin,…..oh, that grin…..that mischievous, little boy grin that just tickled my heart and made me shake my head and laugh!  I need a hug, Pete.  I need your hug.  Love you all the way to heaven.

……………………………………………….I have had, and know I will have, days when I am stronger and days when I will cry and days when I will sob…..like today.  The past few days, I have had “strong” days, but last night and especially today have been a struggle….yet I feel the strength fortifying me again, now.  I do feel cleansed, like the air after a rainstorm.  Perhaps my tears washed some of the pain and lonesomeness away, for a time, and my writing helped as well.  I do find writing helps me to understand my feelings in a clearer light.  Sometimes I feel very exposed and vulnerable, but if I can’t show myself to others, they will never know the real me.  Peter was one who “what you saw, was what you got!”  No airs, no ego, no need to impress.  He had a quiet confidence and a sense of humor that was hardly quiet.  You must be making them laugh up there, Pete!  Miss you like crazy!

About these ads

9 thoughts on “I feel so scattered….

  1. Dear Joan…..your blog today came so straight from your heart that it was wonderful. I am so sorry that sleep was tough for you last night as that always makes dealing with the day a lot harder. I think, now that some time has moved on, that reality is setting in….Pete is gone from us and the heart pain is unbearable at times i’m sure. You two shared life everyday……it will take some time to be comfortable being you and not “us”. His love will always be there in your heart…..his voice will always ring in your ears…. He really is never far from you….. Someone sent me this reading and i would like to share it with you…..maybe it will help you get through the rest of today….

    DEATH IS NOTHING AT ALL. IT DOES NOT COUNT..I HAVE ONLY SLIPPED AWAY INTO THE NEXT ROOM. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED…THINGS REMAIN EXACTLY AS IT WAS. I AM I AND YOU ARE YOU AND THE OLD LIFE THAT WE SO FONDLY LIVED TOGETHER IS UNTOUCHED, UNCHANGED. WHATEVER WE WERE TO EACH OTHER, WE ARE STILL. CALL ME BY THE OLD FAMILIAR NAME…SPEAK OF ME IN THE EASY WAY YOU USED TO…PUT NO DIFFERENCE IN YOUR TONE. LAUGH AT THE LITTLE JOKES WE ENJOYED TOGETHER. PRAY, PLAY AND SMILE WHEN YOU THINK OF ME. LIFE MEANS ALL THAT IT EVER MEANT…IT IS THE SAME THAT IT EVER WAS…WHAT IS DEATH BUT A NEGLIGIBLE ACCIDENT? WHY SHOULD I BE OUT OF MIND BECAUSE I AM OUT OF SIGHT? I AM BUT WAITING FOR YOU, FOR AN INTERVAL, SOMEWHERE VERY NEAR, JUST AROUND THE CORNER……ALL IS WELL. xo

  2. When it comes to writing, I am a severe critic. I have edited a few books and I am very attune to detail.

    Well, I want you to know that I still can barely breathe, having just read your post today. It is…. PERFECT. There wasn’t one word I would have wanted to change, not one comma, not one ANYTHING. The tears are floating down my throat as well as my eyes… this writing is so poignant, real, unbelievably RIGHT.

    I didn’t know Peter all that well – years ago I saw more of you than I have in recent times. You bring him alive. You bring your relationship alive. There is a quote that says ( loosely paraphrased) that we grieve in the same measure that we love. Your love was SO big – huge, complete, honest, caring, affectionate, playful etc. – that your grief will be full, as well. And yet, you will have the kind of grief that is clear and clean – instead of the kind that so many people have, filled with “what ifs” and ” I should haves” — not that clean grief hurts less, just that it is a different kind of grief, a better kind, for lack of a better way to describe it…

    I send you so much admiration, respect, caring and love. I want to share your words with a friend of mine who’s husband died in November – is that okay with you? If not, that’s fine – this is all YOURS — personal, sensitive, intimate and … amazing.

    Love,

    Nancy

  3. Joan, I had written a reply but it doesn’t look like it posted so forgive me if I am duplicating this. We had talked about grief being like the tides, it can be calm one day the next a little choppy and then come roaring in like high tide during a storm. It seems to me that it is necessary to let all of it wash over you, it will recede until the next time. Your writing is such a wonderful tool. I found a quote from Kahil Gibran that I thought so much of you and Pete and your love for each other.
    “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Kahil Gibran

    I love you!

  4. I love you so dearly, my beautiful sister, and ache for the pain you are enduring with such eloquence and grace. May you know your own incomparable strength … and the peace that surpasses all understanding.

  5. Mom I absolutely love this post. I have the video of Dad playing with Mackie on Christmas when she was one year old. I’m goung to send it to you. His voice is clear as day and he is so happy. Maybe that will cheer you up a little bit. Take care of yourself too, Mom. You need the rest to stay strong for Dad, as he wanted you to, and your health needs to be good also. I love you beyond words Mom. You are a strong women who I admire so deeply. Love your daughter, Tara

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s